Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6) Read online

  “But you can have a baby in an apartment.”

  Good Lord, twist the knife.

  “You sure can. But lucky for you, Kennedy already has one in her belly so you can feel hers kick.”

  “I guess you’re right.” Faith’s lips twisted but she dropped the subject.

  “Hey. How’d it go with L-I-double-Z-A?” Kennedy asked as she made her way to my car.

  “About like I assumed it would go. She wanted to triple-check that her fifteen-year-old would have the premiere party of the decade. I shouldn’t complain; between my fee and my commission, I’m making a fortune on this party. But it feels so wasteful to spend all that money on one day. It works out to being a little over ten thousand dollars an hour.”

  Money I certainly needed since I was moving again.

  “My whole wedding didn’t cost ten thousand dollars.”

  Neither did mine, but I wasn’t going to comment. “That’s ’cause you’re smart. I hope little miss was well-behaved.”

  “Pal-leeze. You know she’s always a doll. The bread she made is in the oven and she entertained Tank while Jameson put together baby furniture.”

  As if Kennedy’s words summoned her husband, Jameson came out onto the porch, and when his gaze settled on Faith chasing Tank, his whole face softened.

  This was a new look for Jameson. In all the years I was with Holden, the one adjective I never would’ve thought to use when describing Jameson was gentle. He’d always been surly, broody, grumpy, and that was how he behaved around friends. If the man didn’t like you, watch out, he could be downright menacing. I was happy to see that whatever had weighed him down had been lifted. Kennedy was a sweetheart. I loved that Jameson had found himself a good woman.

  All of them had.

  And one day Holden would, too.

  On that thought, I shivered, and it had nothing to do with the bite of the December chill. No, it was pure bitterness. Holden would move on and I’d stay in the vicious, unending triangle I’d created.

  “Is there a reason you’re standing out in the cold?” Jameson boomed.

  Kennedy rolled her eyes and shook her head before she called back to her husband. “It’s not that cold.” It was indeed that cold and the puff of vapor proved it. “I know everyone thought I was weird waiting so long to announce I was pregnant, but I knew this would happen. He just can’t help himself; it’s like his protective instincts have kicked into overdrive.”

  I wish I knew how that felt. Someone loving you and their unborn child so much they’d worry about something as small as you being cold. Sure, Paul had loved Faith, or maybe loved the idea of having a daughter. Everyone who knew him called him a good dad, but that was purely because he told anyone who would listen how excited he was about having a child. There was no doubt he would’ve spoiled and loved Faith. He understood what dysfunction looked like—his family was horrible and he was eager to start his own and give his child everything he never had.

  But that never happened.

  Now I was left alone to deal with the vipers whose sole mission was to make my life miserable and steal my daughter for her money and to punish me.

  “Jameson’s right, it’s cold. You should get in the house.”

  “You’re coming in, right? Faith’s bread should be done any minute.”

  Shit. I didn’t want to go in. Over the months it had become increasingly harder not to fall in love with Kennedy. I adored Micky and it would be hard enough to leave her. But there was something about Kennedy’s personality that made me want to unload my burdens. She was tough and smart and I figured she’d be the type of friend who would tell you to pull your head out of your ass if you were doing something stupid. Like, say, still being madly in love with a man who hated you.

  I needed friends.

  I needed a tribe of women I could trust and lean on, and in return, I’d repay the favor and be a loyal friend.

  But it wouldn’t be the wives of my dead husband’s teammates.

  Sometimes, life sucked.

  Sometimes, everything crashed in and you couldn’t see a way out.

  Tank barked and my head turned toward the dog dancing around Faith, pushing her onto the grass as an SUV pulled into the driveway.

  I didn’t have time to think about what a great dog Tank was. Not when my heart was thundering in my chest. It was time to leave.

  “Faith, sweets, time to go.”

  My daughter’s head swiveled between the Suburban slowly making its way up the lane to me, then to Kennedy, then back to the SUV.

  “Okay.”

  Faith ran across the yard and stopped in front of Kennedy. “Thank you for teaching me how to make bread and for letting me feel your tummy and for letting me play with Tank.”

  “Don’t you want to…” Kennedy paused as she glanced at Holden’s SUV. Understanding dawned. “I’ll bring your bread by tomorrow and we’ll do a taste test.”

  Jameson had come off the porch, his large frame strung tight as he stalked down the brick walkway. At the same time, I heard a door slam behind me but I refused to look. I knew he’d gotten out of his vehicle. Faith moved closer to me and I prayed Holden hadn’t blocked me in because I needed to leave, and it would suck to have to go all Dukes of Hazzard and drive over Kennedy’s flower beds, but I totally would.

  “What’s wrong?” Jameson called out.

  “I tried calling but you didn’t answer. Jonny needs us.” Holden’s voice slammed into me and my eyes drifted closed.

  Would hearing his voice ever stop hurting?

  Once upon a time, his voice had soothed me, lulled me to sleep at night, made me feel safe and loved. It could also turn me on and make me want to rip his clothes off. But none of those applied anymore. All I felt was pain. Deep, biting, razor’s edge pain that sliced my soul.

  “Sorry, I was working on the baby’s room.”

  In an effort not to look over my shoulder, I stared at Kennedy with laser focus, therefore, I didn’t miss her flinch.

  God, why is everything so uncomfortable?

  “What’s Jonny got going on?” Jameson inquired.

  I didn’t want to know what Jonny Spencer had going on that would require Holden to drive out to Jameson’s house. Jonny was a local cop, a super-nice guy with beautiful sorrow-filled blue eyes.

  “Two missing teens.”

  My arm tightened around Faith’s shoulders and I pulled her closer.

  “You’re gonna find them, right, Uncle Jameson?” Faith asked, and I watched Kennedy snap to attention.

  I really, really wanted to look back at Holden to see what had made Kennedy go stiff but I didn’t dare. I had a pretty good idea he had the same pained expression he always had on his face when he was around Faith. But when he heard her speak or when she called one of his teammates “uncle” that pain turned indignant.

  Something worth noting—Faith never called Holden “uncle”. As a matter of fact, since we’d moved to Maryland, she’d only spoken to him directly a handful of times. During those exchanges, he’d been soft and cautious with her. On more than one occasion, when he thought no one was looking, I’d caught him staring at her. Not with loathing or hurt, but studiously watching her every move.

  The fuck of it was, I’d never stopped wondering about Faith’s paternity. I’d always wondered, even after I had to seek Holden out to tell him I was pregnant and he’d exploded. In my moment of deepest shame, he’d denied the baby I was carrying could be his and told me to go find Paul. I never lied, I never cheated, I never tried to cover up my drunken mistake, but even if I had, Holden had seen me and Paul together.

  Yet, I still loved him.

  How in the hell was that possible?

  “Gonna do my best, beanpole.”

  Faith beamed at the nickname Jameson had given her.

  Then Jameson said to Holden, “Give me a minute and I’ll be on the road.”

  I heard Holden slam his door. Seconds later, he was reversing down the lane.

  Kenned
y gave me a pitied look and my stomach revolted.

  Screw pity.

  Yeah, it was time for me to make a change. Another big, huge, life-changing decision. I couldn’t take these people away from my daughter. This was what she needed. Good, strong men around her. Sweet, loving women who would teach her to make bread and jam. We were staying.

  Fuck Holden Stanford.

  Fuck him and his cruel words. Fuck him for leaving me. Fuck him for never loving me the way I should be loved. And mostly fuck him for turning his back on me.

  Fuck that. Fuck him.

  No more. I was better than this sad sack of a woman. I was a good person. I was a good mom.

  Holden dumped me.

  He ran away without an explanation.

  If he didn’t like me around, screw him, he could run again—he was good at it.

  4

  Holden was on his bed in his Airstream. Alone. Which was how he preferred it. These days it seemed he couldn’t go a day without someone mentioning Charleigh or Faith. He’d managed to keep physical distance between the three of them but that didn’t mean the universe wasn’t punishing him. There was something new every damn day. Faith said this, Charleigh did that, her business was going well, the Towlers weren’t backing down. He couldn’t get away from hearing about them.

  There was a knock on the door and Holden wondered why he hadn’t gone to Bora Bora for Christmas. All of his friends were married and either had kids, had one on the way, or were thinking about reproducing. He was the odd man out. Nothing and no one was keeping him in Kent County for the holidays.

  “Yo, Scrooge McDuck, what are you doing?” Bobby’s voice filled the small space.

  Well, not all of his friends were married. Roberta “Bobby” Layne wasn’t officially attached to anyone, though she was giving Jonny Spencer a run for his money.

  Holden opened his eyes and found Bobby already in his Airstream looking around.

  “One day you might walk in here uninvited and get an eyeful,” he warned.

  “You lock the door when you do that.” Bobby smirked. “Everyone’s already at Alec’s. Are you coming?”

  After last year’s Christmas extravaganza, Macy, Alec’s wife, had declared that brunch at the Hall house would be a tradition. At the time, Holden was all for the new ritual. He had great friends who’d all found great women.

  But this year, the last place Holden wanted to go was to Alec’s house. There’d be too many smiling, happy people there.

  And she’d be there.

  “You can’t avoid her forever,” Bobby continued.

  “Sure I can,” Holden snapped. Then he sat up and sighed. “Sorry. It’s Christmas. I shouldn’t be an ass to you.”

  “How very altruistic of you. Listen, I know Evie pretty much hates her, which means I’m supposed to, too.”

  Holden couldn’t hide his wince. He hated how everyone had taken sides. The men had remained neutral—they were stuck between duty to a teammate’s widow and daughter and their friend. Logically Holden understood their predicament—hell, he was as confused as they were. The bastard Paul told Holden of all people to take care of his wife and child while he drew his last breath.

  It was the most fucked-up thing anyone had ever done to him.

  Fucked-up in ways none of the others could ever understand. Holden knew things the others didn’t.

  A funny thing happens when someone dies, especially when that person dies a hero—suddenly all of their transgressions vanished. All the shitty things they’d done while they walked this earth were wiped clean and they were held in high regard. No one wanted to speak ill of the dead, but Paul had been a dick while he was alive.

  Not just for what he’d done to Holden, but what he’d done to Charleigh. Paul Towler was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. And for years, Holden had bit his tongue every time he heard what a great man Paul had been. Bile churned in his gut when people talked about what a great father he would’ve been. He wasn’t great at anything but being an obsessive prick who’d fixated on Charleigh and waited until she was at her most vulnerable to strike. And the worst part was that Holden had played right into Paul’s hands. It had been Holden who’d brought Leigh-Leigh low, giving Paul the perfect opportunity to take advantage of her. Then he’d fucked up again when Leigh-Leigh came to him and told him she was pregnant.

  Holden swayed as the guilt and self-disgust rocked him.

  He’d let his pride, ego, and doubt override his love for her. He should’ve calmly told her the truth. Instead, he’d turned her away and sent her straight to Paul.

  Such a dumb fuck.

  Now he’d never know if he and Charleigh could’ve made it through. He’d never know if his love for Charleigh was so deep he could’ve raised another man’s child. Instead of taking the time he should’ve, he’d burned his world to ashes.

  “Did you know that Chasin’s named in the lawsuit? The Towlers are claiming Charleigh and Chasin were having an affair behind Paul’s back,” Bobby went on.

  “Evie has nothing to worry about. That never happened. Chasin and Charleigh were friends. Those pictures are not what they seem.”

  “She knows that. And that’s not why she doesn’t like her. She’s worried about you.”

  Not wanting to have this conversation while sitting in bed, Holden stood.

  “Evie has better things to do than worry about me. All of you do. I’m fine. And she shouldn’t hate Charleigh.” It was time to end all this division. “What happened was a long time ago. It was my fault and it’s way past time everyone moves on.”

  “I don’t think Charleigh can move on,” Bobby quietly told him. “I understand why Evie’s taken your side; the two of you are close. She’s insanely protective over those she loves. To her, Charleigh’s an outsider who causes you pain. But she’s torn because she likes Faith.”

  Punch to the throat.

  Knife to the heart.

  Everyone enjoyed being around Faith because she was a sweet, polite kid who always seemed to have a smile.

  “Holden, I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think you can move on, either.”

  “Trust me, I’ve moved on.”

  Bobby’s hands went to her hips and her eyes narrowed. For a short little thing, she could be seriously scary. When the woman was pissed, it was best to get out of her way and let her burn it out.

  “Why are men so dumb?”

  “I feel like that’s a trick question.”

  Her eyes narrowed further. “It’s not. It’s a rhetorical question. I wasn’t looking for an answer because there is none. Your definition of moving on is sexing up every woman you can find. That’s not moving on. That’s fucking away your cares. And by the by, Holden, most women don’t like to be bedded and have the man bedding them thinking about another woman while they’re doing the deed.”

  Well, Bobby was right about one thing, he had spent years trying to fuck his cares away. However, it didn’t work. Nothing did. Not time, not war, not moving to a different state, not his work, nothing. Charleigh was never far from his thoughts. Charleigh and Faith.

  Years and years of guilt had piled so high he was ready to collapse. The weight had compounded and multiplied until he was under maximum load and the ground beneath his feet had crumbled away, leaving him in constant freefall.

  “I wasn’t trying—”

  “Save it. That’s exactly what you were doing. Why’d you leave her?”

  Holden snapped straight and shook his head.

  “Bobby, it’s cool of you to care. You know I love you, but you need to back off.”

  She seemed to consider his words, then in true Bobby fashion, decided to plow ahead.

  “Right. Like Nix, Jameson, Weston, and Chasin have done? Back off and let you live in your Airstream all alone stewing and suffering by yourself? Is that what you mean?”

  “I’m not stewing,” he denied. “And I’m not suffering.”

  “That’s a bullshit lie and you know it.”

  It
certainly was. It was a big, fat, fucking lie. However, he did more than stew and suffer. He grieved and ached for all he’d lost. He sat alone agonizing over the stupid choices he’d made. But at the time, he’d felt like it was the right thing to do. He thought he was giving Charleigh what she needed to be happy.

  “Bobby,” he warned in a low growl. “Drop it.”

  “No. Your time’s up. One of those men should’ve pulled your head out of your ass when you left her. I get that men don’t do touchy-feely, and things like emotions cause allergic reactions in tough macho men. But seriously, Holden, it’s been a long time and you still love her. She loves you. You love each other.” Bobby gave him a scathing look that told him she thought he was a dumbass. “So unless she did something so heinous, which I doubt because you said it was your fault, I don’t understand why you won’t try to fix things with her. So, tell me, why’d you’d leave her?”

  “It’s none of your business.”

  “Bull-shit. Bullshit. You’re like the obnoxious big brother I wish I never had. Which means it’s my duty as the pseudo little sister to make it my business. But more as your friend, I owe it to you to stop you from purposefully hurting yourself.”

  Holden found it increasingly difficult to hold his temper in check. The last seven months had taken a toll. It was one thing to live with the shame when Charleigh and Faith lived in another state. It was easier to pretend he hadn’t screwed over a good woman. No, easier wasn’t the word, nothing had been easy. Nothing could ever erase the indignity of his actions.

  And that was part of why there was no fixing what he’d done. He didn’t deserve Charleigh’s forgiveness.

  “Holden—”

  “She wanted kids. Lots of them,” he sneered.

  “And? You didn’t?”

  Hell yeah, he did. He wanted to give Charleigh everything she wanted. A big family, lots of love and laughter. He wanted to be a dad. Wanted it so badly, that when she came up pregnant his whole world shattered.

  “I can’t have kids.”

  A sour taste coated his tongue and his heart hurt so fucking bad his hand moved to his chest to massage the ache.