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  “That’s the best question yet. And imagine, it came from the dumbest one on the team. But it’s not so much about what I want as it’s about what you all are willing to do to save Little Miss Sunshine. You see, I’ve been saving her for the perfect moment. Do any of you know how hard it’s been keeping her a secret? Knowing I could take her out anytime I wanted? The sweet victory knowing I had Lenox’s woman.”

  “What the fuck do you want, Roman?” I growled, trying to ignore Roman’s taunts.

  “There, there, lover boy. It is simple really. Lily will be taking a little vacation of sorts while I tend to a business deal. When the deal is complete, she’ll be free to go. It’s that simple.”

  A business deal.

  Sick fuck acted like he was trading stocks, not selling weapons of mass destruction.

  “Why now? You’ve been conducting business for years without taking hostages,” Clark asked.

  “Hostage? Why do you have to be so crass, Clark? Lily is not a hostage. She is my guest and guarantee you fuckers will turn a blind eye. This isn’t just any deal. And the men I am delivering to need the extra reassurance that no one will disrupt our meeting. When the meeting is over, she’ll be on the next plane back to the states.”

  That was total bullshit. The moment his deal was complete he’d kill Lily and be on the run again.

  “Do you really think the 707 gives a shit if Lily lives or dies? She is expendable as far as they are concerned. Taking you out is all they care about,” Clark helpfully explained.

  “That doesn’t sound like my problem. I’m sure Lenox would disagree about his girl being disposable. I’m sure you all think you’re pretty smart, you can come up with something. Either way, I don’t really care. If you want Lily to live, you’ll figure it out. Besides, you don’t really have an option. Any of you fuck this up for me, I will find another bargaining chip. You all have someone in your past you want to protect. I found Lenox’s, you think I can’t find yours?” Roman addressed Clark and Jasper.

  I’d had enough.

  Roman continued to taunt Clark and Jasper, not that they gave two fucks what he threatened. We all knew Roman was not leaving here alive. Instead I focused on Lily’s wide scared eyes. I had to make a decision and I prayed I wasn’t signing Lily’s death warrant. There was only one way out of this situation. My eyes bore into hers and I nodded my head, hoping she could read my silent communication.

  Turning my attention back to Roman, my field of vision tunneled to the immediate. My breathing steadied, my heart rate slowed. My weapon was merely an extension of my hand, and in one continuous motion, my finger slid down the cool metal of the trigger guard and I waited for Lily’s body to go limp. Her knees gave way and she crumbled to the ground. Before Roman could register what had happened, I fired.

  In that moment there were two choices, shoot to kill or shoot to harm. Normally I would’ve taken the one shot, one kill approach, but I wanted to play with him before I ended his life.

  The vibration of the shot still coursed through my hands as I holstered my weapon and rushed to Lily, kicking Roman’s weapon in the direction of Clark. I helped Lily get to her feet and passed her trembling body to Jasper. I pulled my knife from my vest as I knelt down next to Roman. With a flick of my thumb, the blade came free from the bolster. I tried to steady my hand from the rush of adrenaline, or maybe it was excitement, as I pressed my blade against his throat.

  “A bullet would be too easy you, motherfucker,” I whispered as I sank the tip of the knife into the left side of his throat.

  Roman tried to scream, but the sound that came out was garbled as blood oozed from his neck.

  “You got something to say? Not so talkative now that you have my bullet in your shoulder and my blade in your throat.”

  “As much as I would love to watch you torture this fucktard, we have to leave,” Jasper said.

  Jasper was right.

  I wanted to draw this out, spending hours craving his insides out and watching him suffer for the fear he put in Lily, but we didn’t have time.

  “See you in hell, fucker.”

  I slowly sank the blade further into the side of his throat, the handle of my knife warming as Roman’s blood coated my hand. With a twist of my wrist, I watched as the life drained from his face and his eyes dimmed.

  One less scumbag to roam the earth.

  I didn’t spare Roman’s dead body a second look, he wasn’t worth the air he sucked from the room. I would feel no remorse for taking his life, I never did when I put a dog down. He was simply another hash mark on my soul. My only concern now was getting Lily off this island.

  I swept Lily up into my arms and ran for the door, Levi following closely behind covering us. I heard Jasper and Clark behind us, one of them calling the boat to pick us up. As soon as my foot hit the wood of the dock, the boat came to a stop at the end. One of the men jumped out to steady the boat as we each jumped aboard. With an easy push off the dock, the boat sped away.

  Even with miles now between us and Roman’s cay, Lily remained in my arms trembling. The relief I felt was eye-opening. I had almost lost her. And not in a way where I’d push her away so she could go on without me. The dead kind. Roman could’ve very easily killed her. What the hell had I done? She belonged to me. I’d give up all of this, anything, if I could have her.

  She hadn’t made a sound, she hadn’t shed a tear, she was damn near catatonic as I wiped the blood spatter off her face.

  “Lily, you need to drink some water,” Clark said offering her a bottle.

  Wordlessly she took the bottle and drank.

  Jasper, Levi, and Clark all had identical pissed off looks. Each of them had berated me over the last few weeks, telling me that I was a dick for leaving Lily. They were right. I was a cold-hearted dick, but I thought I would rather be a dick than the selfish bastard who left Lily a widow, or worse, got her killed. I thought I loved her enough to give her up.

  I was wrong.

  Chapter 19

  How had my life come to this? The last month had been a whirlwind of emotions. First, I found out that Shane was alive, him coming out of the shadows just in time to save me from two would-be assailants. Then I spent the most glorious week with Shane, all the while my mental state fluctuated from overwhelming joy to bone-crushing fear. And finally, immense pain when he left again. An agony that was incomparable, one that I have barely survived the last three weeks. The coup de gras was being kidnapped by a crazy man and used as a pawn in some twisted game of cat and mouse. I was the mouse in that equation, and Roman would've had no issue killing me if Shane hadn’t killed him first. I should’ve felt bad he was dead, but I didn’t. Somewhere in my subconscious I wondered if that made me a bad person. At the end of the day, I really didn’t care.

  I sat and wondered what it would’ve been like if Shane had never come back into my life. If I could make a wish and go back in time, would I? Rewind time when I thought he was dead and I was grieving my best friend. When I’d never met Lenox. As hard as I tried to summon up regret and anger, I couldn’t. If he’d never come back, I wouldn’t have the baby I’m growing. Now, when he leaves I will always have a part of him with me. He’ll never know, but I will.

  “Lily, do you want a beer?” Jasper asked when he walked out onto the balcony of the condo we were currently staying in.

  “No thank you,” I answered.

  “That’s two nights in a row. You want a whiskey instead?” he tried.

  “I’m too tired for alcohol, Jasper. I’ll fall right to sleep,” I lied.

  I looked back at the ocean hoping he would stop questioning why I wasn’t drinking. When we were staying in Big Bear I never turned down the offer of a drink.

  “You know if you need to talk I’m here,” he offered.

  Talking was the last thing I needed. I needed a lobotomy or eye bleach. I don’t think I would ever stop dreaming about the things I have seen in the last few days. Hell, the last month. All this started with two dead gu
ys at the cemetery and the body count only went up from there.

  Clark had already drilled me about my time spent with Calvin, or Roman, whatever they wanted to call him. I explained about Peter and James. The explosion that came after they found out James was a traitor and Peter died trying to keep me safe was loud and scary. I skipped the part about Roman’s threats. I didn’t think they were important. He was dead after all and couldn’t carry out anything he promised.

  Levi pushed for answers about my time spent on the island before they arrived. By the grace of God, it was uneventful and Roman left me alone. He had me trapped, surrounded by water. It wasn’t like I could escape and swim a hundred miles to Cuba. And luckily for him I was a little rusty on my raft building skills. Actually, I barely saw Roman once we got there. The bruise on my cheek was from one of his guards. He had tried to touch me and I spit in his face, earning me a back hand. Roman killed him, too. Yet another body I’d have to sort through later. I was afraid if I tried to process everything that had happened now, I would have a come apart, only further delaying my departure. And I needed to get away from Shane and his team as soon as possible.

  “I’m fine, really. I’m happy that Roman is gone and I can go back to my normal life.”

  Lies, lies, and more lies. That is what my life had come to - lies. I lied to the guys, I lied to Shane, and I was most definitely lying to myself. Truth was I would never be alright again.

  Jasper looked over his shoulder. I caught the lift of his chin before he got up and Shane took his place in the chair next to mine.

  “Lily, we need to talk,” Shane said.

  Oh goody, more talking. I could barely contain my laughter. That was exactly what we didn’t need.

  “I don’t think there is anything left to say, Lenox. You were crystal clear at the cabin.”

  “I’ve asked you to stop calling me that. You call me Shane.”

  “No. I did until you reminded me that Shane is dead. I’ve accepted that. I had twelve years to mourn his death, and now it’s time I move on.”

  I prayed I could pull off the cool, blasé attitude. The faster this was over, the quicker I could go to my room and cry in peace. Hormones, that was all this was, I tried to remind myself.

  “I’m sorry. I need to tell you the truth,” he started.

  “Don’t be.” I pushed off the chair and stood almost knocking it over. “You already told me the truth. It’s not your fault it wasn’t the answer I wanted.”

  “You need to listen to me. I lied…”

  Ignoring his last statement, I went on. “After I had time to think about what you had said, you were right. I only thought I loved you, all those memories of us as kids clouded my feelings. There is nothing between us. There never was. I had a silly high school crush on you, that’s all it was. I should be the one to apologize to you for making an ass out of myself. My flight leaves in the morning. I’ll be out of your hair for good.” I closed my eyes and took a long cleansing breath before walking to the sliding glass door. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Goodbye, Lenox.”

  “Lily, please,” he yelled after me.

  I didn’t stop or look back as I walked through the small condo to the front door. I needed some fresh air. I was no longer under house arrest now that Roman was dead. Me staying in Nassau was only because I was waiting for my passport to arrive. Now that I had it, my flight was booked and I was ready to leave. I was sure it was Clark’s idea to stay here with me. Levi and Jasper were both walking on eggshells, and both looked totally uncomfortable to be in the same room as me. They’d all be off the hook soon.

  I wasn’t going back to California. I didn’t want to raise my child in the city. Rebecca was about to be the proud owner of McGrath Carter. I sent my attorney an email and asked him to have the paperwork drawn up. She would do right by the people the centers served. She had a heart for service. I was happy to give them to her.

  I wasn’t sure where I would end up - I needed time to figure that out. The plan was to start in Texas and go from there. I had enough money to live comfortably, but I would eventually need to get a job. I’d wait until later to figure that out - one step at a time.

  “You need to tell him.”

  I nearly fell into the sand when I heard the voice behind me.

  “No, I don’t. And you won’t either,” I replied.

  “Why? Give me one good reason not to tell Lenox that you’re carrying his kid?” Jasper asked.

  Smart, observant bastard.

  “Because he’ll stay,” I answered honestly.

  “Isn’t that what you want? Isn’t that his choice?”

  I turned to look at Jasper. His normal playful attitude was gone. He looked so serious with his eyebrows scrunched up and a thoughtful expression.

  “No. I want him to love me as much as I love him. I want him to stay with me because he cannot imagine his life without me in it. I don’t want to be an obligation. I love him too much to have him grow to resent me. And if he gives up his team, he will. He’ll resent me and the baby, and I already love this child too much to watch that happen.”

  As painful as the truth was, that was it. I was willing to carry the burden of guilt so Shane would be happy. “He said it himself, he doesn’t think he can be a good husband and operator. We both know what his first love is.”

  “He loves you,” Jasper said.

  “I know he does. And I have loved him since I was sixteen years old. I never, not for one day, stopped loving him. When I leave here tomorrow, I will continue to love him for all the days I have left. That’s why you need to keep my secret. Let him go on and be happy.”

  I almost choked on my words. I was trying to be strong and not a selfish bitch trapping Shane into a life he clearly didn’t want. But it was taking all my strength not to run to him and beg him to stay with me and the baby.

  “He’ll find out, and when he does, he’ll be pissed. Rightfully so.”

  “I’m not going back to LA. He’ll never see us again. Please, Jasper, try and understand. I begged him not to leave me. His response was to tell me about all the women he’s fucked over the years, how what we shared was meaningless, and he only wanted to get me out of his system.” Jasper winced as I spoke. “He doesn’t want me. I am begging you not to tell. Let me and the baby be happy.”

  “I can’t promise I will keep your secret forever. But, I will keep it for now. You both need time. I know he loves you, he is being stubborn. The thing you have to understand is he truly thinks he is letting you go to protect you. He is afraid that he will put you in danger.”

  “Thank you. And I am sorry I didn’t get to say thank you or goodbye when you left Big Bear. I missed you all when you were gone. I hope you can fix or make peace with whatever is making you so sad. You’re a really great guy. I’d hate to see you live the rest of your life lonely and unhappy.”

  Jasper’s body went stiff and he stood to his full height, a hard look crossed his face.

  “You should mind your own business, Lily.”

  “You’re right, I should. But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t acknowledge your pain? I lived in constant sadness for twelve years, I allowed my life to pass me by. No more. You should think about doing the same - let go of the past and live your life.” I turned back toward the water. “We only have one.”

  Jasper would either keep my secret or he wouldn’t. I couldn’t worry about that right now. I had a plane to catch and a life to begin.

  I guess what they say is true, it’s never too late to start.

  Chapter 20

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” Clark screamed at me when I jumped into the van after I tossed a tied-up Miguel Nunez in.

  “I was thinking I was tired of sitting outside of a goddamn whorehouse while this prick got his rocks off. What the hell is it with scumbags liking to bang prostitutes? He’s alive, mission accomplished. One drug dealer delivered,” I shouted back. I was sick and tired of sitting outside of whorehouse
s.

  I was getting really fed up having to explain my every move to Clark. In the five months since we left Lily at the airport in Nassau, we’ve been on four back-to-back missions. I had yet to be stateside. I was tired and wanted to see the inside of my own bedroom sometime in the near future.

  “You’re dangerous, Lenox. You need to pull your head out of your ass before you get yourself dead,” he continued to chastise me.

  Death would be easier than the constant ache I felt. If I was being honest, death was actually preferable to this pain. Not that I would tell that to the fucking safety police.

  “What can I say? I like living on the edge.”

  “Jesus Christ…”

  “Enough,” Jasper yelled.

  The rest of the trip back to the compound was done in silence. As soon as we pulled through the barbed wire gates and came to a stop, I threw the back doors open of the van and jumped out. I didn’t want to be around anybody. Fuck, I didn’t even want to be around myself.

  I pulled the mosquito netting back from my bunk and threw myself on the rickety metal bed. I was fucking exhausted and needed to sleep.

  “We need to talk,” Jasper slammed the door behind him.

  “Man, I’m not in the mood,” I replied.

  Now was not the time for another ass chewing. I wanted to lie in my bed and wallow in my self-pity. I fucked up bad. I hurt Lily, and now she wouldn’t even talk to me. And yes, I had tried to call her. The number was disconnected and I had no resources to find her while I was stuck in this godforsaken third world country.

  “Too bad. You wanna kill yourself, not my business. You pull stupid shit while we’re on a mission and put the team in jeopardy again, we’ll have a big fuckin’ problem,” Jasper said. “It’s been five months. We all know that your head is screwed up. No one wants to bring Lily up…”

  “Enough, Jasper. Don’t even say her name to me,” I growled.

  “Fix your head, brother, or Lily will be a non-issue because you’ll be dead. Then what? She’ll spend the next twelve years at another cemetery? Only this time there’ll be no coming back. I don’t need to tell you how badly you screwed up because you’re beatin’ yourself up enough. Just fix your shit and get your girl.”